love

“we love because He first loved us.” 1st john.

i had a moment today. one of those moments where my heart was pierced with anguish as i realized the weight of his words. as i began to grasp what it meant, this love… the fullness and the depth of this love… and how it is only because of this love that i am even capable of loving others… the tears came. all around me, people were standing, singing, clapping in rhythm to the happy music, and all i could do was stand and wipe away tears that kept streaming down my face. it should have been a joyful moment for me… and it was… but the enormity and breadth of this one single truth continued to bore into me until… the song was over, the benediction proclaimed, and i could escape to the restroom into a moment of peace and quiet.

there is something comforting about being sad… in the midst of sad company. i knew i was emotionally drained, and i knew my friends had their own heartaches, weights, and frustrations, and although we did not dwell on them, dragging them out into the harsh fluorescent light and picked apart like prey, their silence pervaded over all of us in different ways.  i found strength in our communal sadness, as if my pain was shared while i mutually shared the pain of my loved ones. and this strength has been marginally enough to begin the new week. i know what is lacking – i know what i desire and what more i wish i had, so that i would be able to welcome Monday more enthusiastically, but i can’t ask for those other things. not yet.

it’s lurking just around the corner still. for now, even its proximity i will take.

“delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.” psalm 37.

human

i wanted it to be one of those afternoons…

one of those driving-down-the-freeway, rolling-down-the-window, singing-at-the-top-of-your-lungs afternoons. the day was so sunny and warm, it could have been. clear blue sky, perfect view of the downtown skyline, the heat tickling my bare skin, palm trees in the distance.

i leaned my head against the wall and listened to pastor d. speak. no matter how many times i have heard a message on that precise passage, the words make sense when he speaks. it’s like i don’t even remember all the exact details or points (though there always seems to be 3 of them), but i remember the feeling of everything coming together in my mind… the experience of the Word coming home. i come home.

driving along olympic boulevard with a friend, enjoying comfortable quiet silences, meaningful conversation, and moments of laughter, listening to norah jones… that’s the kind of afternoon it was.

not what i had originally anticipated. but never an experience i would take back.

the grass

the sun is setting. i feel like winter has come and gone early this year. still mid-january, but the temperatures have warmed up to high 60’s during the daytime.  twilight, this time of day, does weird things to me. it’s always been my favorite time of day… when colors soften into pinks and purples, and a hint of a moon comes out. i feel nostalgic and euphoric and warm-fuzzy and bittersweet, all at the same time.

strange to think i am beginning a new journey in February. thrilled to think God is giving me a chance. scary to think i have no idea what i’m getting myself into. excited to think of what i will learn, how i will grow, who i will become… a few months in.

i had no idea 2009 would start out like this. i’m still waiting for other things, but ’tis definitely a start. with three more weeks of freedom, i am going to sleep in as much as is possible, paint, read, watch movies, play with my dear autistic children, and imprint memories into my mind.

soft and misty the world is right now. if only you could understand.

Resolve

It’s funny how even the most intense feelings can fade after a year.

New Year’s resolution for 2009?

Being swept off my feet would be nice.

Realistically speaking, however, I’ll settle for falling in love.

Not the romantic kind, either. Just the kind that works for me.