affair

wedding season is officially upon us. i remember one year where i was either invited to/knew of 13 friends’ weddings… every weekend the announcement of a new couple becoming engaged to be married. nowadays the wedding invitations are fewer and further between, but i still have a handful of weddings to attend this summer.

today i attended two. for two different friends… one from Smith, one from old Inland days. perhaps the only similarity was that both grooms were in their late 30s. otherwise, vastly different in venue, setting, food, and atmosphere, but both full of jubilation nonetheless.

some say creativity happens best in the middle of the night. i wonder if this is the reason i am awake at 4:58 a.m., conscious that i will have to wake up again at 7 a.m. to get ready for church. i look outside into the dark dark night, and not a soul is stirring. all the lights of all the houses in my neighborhood are off, and i can’t even hear the traffic of one car roaring up grand avenue. i’m reminded of the time last summer i came home from visiting Kobe and i suffered through jet lag for awhile.

how again life has changed since last summer and the present! always as if i’m on a rollercoaster, hurtling from high places, roaring through dark tunnels…

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glee

“being a part of something special makes you special…”

some have equated this show as being high school musical-ish, but i loved the fact that it actually satirizes high school, and yet offers something for the “loser” in all of us. we all have had a moment where we felt exceptional, as if the world was at our fingertips, a feeling i know i never wanted to lose hold of.

daily life has the potential to lose that feeling… in living day in and day out towards earning a paycheck, attempting to earn the admiration or acceptance of others, and in short, leading us to forget who we are and what we are doing here on this earth.

life does not belong to a paycheck. it does not belong to a relationship, a career, stability, complacence. life never settles. it lives for something glorious… greater beyond the present. i am glad i can strive for that. i am glad. i am glad i exist for a greater Purpose.

so i will not stop believing in what could be.

tomorrow is the unofficial start of summer. i think of…

…twilights… hot sun on bare toes… sitting on the beach… bonfires… air conditioning… iced caramel macchiatos… soft sunsets… graduation ceremonies and weddings… ice-cream… hollywood bowl… baseball games… cookouts… barbecues…

new directions.

anticipation

the evening air was refreshing, i thought to myself as i went to go retrieve the day’s mail. having been cooped up in an air-conditioned, climate-controlled office for most of the day, i had left work with a headache. the anxiety of the previous week had dissipated somewhat, but i always felt like something had gone awry when my work day did not include any client sessions. my supervisor had assured me that i needed to be flexible, especially in FSP. i knew that by now, but it still did not make the reality any easier to overcome.

i chewed on these thoughts as i made my short trek to the mailbox and back. looking towards home, i noted the trees silhouetted against a soft purple sky, the first evening stars emerging, a bird trilling out its good-night to the sun.

i was glad tuesday was over. the thought of wednesday raised almost-unpleasant feelings in my stomach, anticipating clients i still had difficulty with, and consecutive sessions that left little room to breathe. but a jam-packed day did allow time to pass on more quickly, and i knew… before i knew it, it would already be friday, and another work-week over.

i looked forward already to the weekend… to the appointments, to the feeling of restfulness, to being able to sleep in for one more hour, and lounging under an umbrella on a sidewalk in front of a coffee shop, watching life unfold.

i was glad i had something to look forward to.

anxiety

sometimes it creeps up ever so gently, and other times it hits me like a shower. not that i should be anxious about anything… because as i heard yesterday, being anxious about anything is a sin. SIN. does anxiety and worrying even alleviate the problem? quite the contraire. as a matter of fact, worrying only adds to the stress.

funny that i heard a great message on anxiety yesterday afternoon, and today, 24 hours later, anxiety hit me like a shower. Is God trying to tell me something?

the culprit this time around is once again the same…

that little thing called “Productivity”

with a great biG “P”.

so i battle my anxious thoughts tonight with “God will make a way, where there seems to be no way…”

but i still can’t sleep. i know God is on my side. I know He will be glorified. i know these things in my head, but can’t quite yet fully translate them into my heart. and tomorrow is to be a long day too. so i need to sleep. but what to do when sleep just will not come?

perhaps next time i should not drink a hazelnut milk tea at 7:40 p.m. either.

Not on a weeknight anyway.

“i need you to tell me it will be okay.”

’cause God will make a way.

never a dull moment, i tell you.