heart

my heart is still there.

i have been thinking for the past couple of weeks, how close i am to teetering on the edge of emotional burn-out. it’s been a long and draining summer, moving, becoming adjusted to work, loving it, dreading it, wondering where all of this is going, and settling into an at-times chaotic, at-times predictable routine. summer has been full of getting used to changes, making new friends, and learning new lessons.

i have wanted to crawl away and hide from the world…pull the covers over my head and get lost in brainless television. i still want to.

i have felt misunderstood, lost, nervous, anxious, elated, excited, happy… now i simply feel tired.

the memories are there. and i’ll cherish them. but i want to look forward to the future, when time has already completed that which currently i have no idea about.

today a missionary family visiting from cambodia dropped by city light church. having lunch with them and hearing them share about their experiences made me miss my heart more than ever. it’s still there in japan. some may call it a dream, others a “fetish”, but i just know that when i think about, hear, or see anything associated with japan, i feel at home. i wonder why God has given me a dream for such a difficult nation.

i feel as if i’m on a hold. on the way to somewhere special, but not knowing when i’ll get there. this process of waiting and transforming is pretty painful.

already-but-not yet. i’m almost there. i hope.