during my second year at smith, i prayed a foolish request to God. i prayed that i would be broken. i didn’t even know what that meant at the time. looking back, i still remember so vividly the periods of depression i went through, the tearful prayers i cried out to God, the academic, emotional, and spiritual struggles. i remember the light at the end of the tunnel growing smaller and smaller, my vision growing fainter and fainter… being unable to see in front of me as i traveled on that oppressive, dark and lonely road. healing came much later, and for a time i could not sing those church songs because i did not feel like i could own those lyrics unless i really, truly meant them for my own life.
i have never asked to be broken by God again, because i am fearful now of what that may entail. but that doesn’t mean he hasn’t left me alone.
when my dad was diagnosed with cancer, i went through a very dark period. only when i came to the point where i could sing, “You give and take away, you give and take away. My heart will choose to say, Blessed be your name…” did he give my dad a second chance.
when i became painfully enmeshed in my emotions around a certain relationship, i cried out again. and again, God brought me to very low points in my life before he delivered me.
and most recently, before i began working at CII, while i was in the process of looking for a job in the midst of the economic downturn, i remember sitting on the balcony of my parents’ house having a very angry conversation with God. again, God provided, but only after i had come to a point of complete and total surrender and peace about myself and put my own hopes of my career aside.
even now i am so amazed and thankful that he has provided me with a job at an awesome agency doing that which i love – building relationships with the broken-hearted.
i think about the rest of my future, and i wonder where the brokenness will next occur. i have come to believe that there is beauty in the brokenness… i even wrote a poem about that not too long ago… but it is scary thinking about how next i will have to be broken in order to be built back up in his image and fully appreciate what he has in store for me. i know i haven’t been broken enough, or in all aspects of my life. sometimes i have certain encounters and i think, “Oh, maybe this could be it” and then i realize i was so far from the truth.
Yes, God knows better than me what i need. i tell myself that over and over again. it provides me solace. but at the same time, it makes me tired.
and then again, it’s not about me at all, is it? It’s about His story… and His glory. that’s what i need to believe. i don’t always want to, but i have to. ’cause otherwise, there’d be no hope at all.