absurdity

i was running late for a therapy session in long beach this morning. as i pulled up to the curb, across the street from my client’s house, hurriedly popped open my truck to retrieve a box of Candyland, Go Fish cards, Madagascar-themed stickers, some simple puzzles, and a box of hand puppets, two men strolling down the sidewalk abruptly stopped next to my car.

one walked over and stood next to me as i surveyed the remaining toys, debating whether or not i should bring any more. i looked curiously at him. he was heavy-set, with a shaved head and blood-shot, red-rimmed eyes. “i just want you to know, you’re the most beautiful woman i have ever seen. you’re amazing.” the words pierced my consciousness as if in a dream. i was slowly registering the fact that he was attempting to express interest in me. he edged closer, as if to put his arm around me. i inched away, looking him in the face. i couldn’t get over how red his eyes were. he continued to hover close by. “do you have a boyfriend?” i told him, as gently as i could, that i appreciated the gesture but i was not “looking” currently. he didn’t get the hint.

“can i have your number?” i refused as politely as i could, with as much respect as i could muster. he finally understood and backed away, turning his head and dismissing me. he and his friend continued down the street. i was in a state of shock for a few minutes. i stood there, trying to process fully what had happened. the whole exchange had taken less than 5 minutes, but even now, looking back, it seems like time was moving so slow.

you could say i was shocked, disgusted, amazed, humored by the absurdity of it all.

i made sure i was still holding my games and toys, looked both directions to check for cars, ran across the street, and into the home of a little 4 year-old boy sitting in a giant armchair, waiting eagerly for me to bring some sunshine into his little, lonely world.

resolution

2010 crept in quietly, without too much fanfare or excitement. i remembered just 10 years ago, when the world was preparing for 2000 with the frenzy of Y2K and uploading computer systems and predicting fatal crashes that would send the virtual world and everything dependent upon it into a swirl of chaos. fast-forward one decade, and here we are. we’ve survived Y2K, 9.11, the death of cultural icons, natural disasters, and are still living through wars in Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan, genocide, you name it.

i watched fireworks light up the midnight sky over the harbor in marina del rey, while all around me people ooh-ed and aah-ed, clapped and cheered and whistled. my friends and i wished each other happy new year, and then we drove back to my place for a bit of champagne and merriment. i dozed off in the backseat on the way home.

new year’s eve has gradually become anti-climactic in my 31 years, while i have only a hazy idea still of why most of the rest of the world loves to get dressed up in sparkles and sequins, toast to the new year, spend extravagant sums of money to attend lavish new year’s eve parties at clubs, and make out with complete strangers (sometimes). what is there really to look forward to? a new year of the same, no? joyous occasions perhaps, but also inevitably tragedies as well.

along with the absence of excitement this year comes the absence of resolutions. last year i dreamed a short whimsical entry about resolving to fall in love. the kind of love that worked for me, not necessarily romantic love. perhaps i’ve found it – i’m still hammering that part out. but this year, no resolutions. no hopes, no dreams, no exciting anticipatory butterflies-in-the-stomach moments to look forward to. i think i just want to be. don’t get me wrong… the childish dreams still remain in the depths of my heart. but i think those childish dreams are also beginning to mature, develop, and grow up. become more realistic.

it’s not necessarily a pity. but it’s always sad to say good-bye to dreams, kind of like saying good-bye to dear friends.

welcome to the world, 2010. i hope you enjoy yourself this year. have a blast! i’ll let you know if i enjoy the same.