july

is july really over? REALLY?

i know not what to think.

there has certainly been a few transitions this summer. one roommate moved out, another moved in. i reconnected with friends i had not seen for a long time. i fell apart from friends whom i had recently spent many hours with. i have been struggling with the whole notion of community, in the context of church, and what that means for me. i have been growing restless. i envisioned up a whole list of things to do this summer, places to conquer, tasks to accomplish, memories to make… i have not done most of them. i am still settling into work… STILL settling in… even though i’ve been at work for over a year. my brother is engaged. my father’s health.

and time is simply passing, as if she is oblivious to the upheaval she is causing in my life.

it is such a strange feeling.

and then, to think, that in a couple weeks i will be growing another year older. that has to be the ultimate cherry-on-top of cherries.

i loved turning thirty because i felt like i had finally figured out who i was, where i was going, what i was destined for. and in many ways, that is still true. the soul-searching, identity-seeking, self-questioning me of my twenties is no longer present, save for perhaps a few wisps billowing here and there. but at the same time, i wonder if perhaps i will always have a sense of sadness at time passing me by… the biggest thing i have no control over… and if it will always be a bit uneasy for me to swallow.

or maybe this is how i will always feel at this point in the summer, as july turns into august and yet another month rolls by.

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