hosanna

it’s snowing on wordpress again!

Life has been challenging lately, to say the least. I feel like there’s been no break or respite from it, which I am so desperately needing. So my respite has been in the car in between my therapy sessions, driving from one to the next, meditating on scripture such as the book of 1st Thessalonians, the Psalms, and simply repeating his promises to me over and over again… mixed in with Chris Tomlin’s newest album, the hymns of Keith & Kristyn Getty, and dearly loved praise songs. The lyrics and verses have been speaking to me in new and fresh ways, and I’m grateful for this, especially after a tough session or day and I again wonder, Why am I doing this again? I so don’t want my work to become my life, but it’s difficult to keep my boundaries and compartments, because of the level of involvement and commitment we end up giving to our families. They, and all of what they are consumed with, become a part of me. And so when progress is slow or regression is happening, these negative elements impact me much more than when I see progress, growth, change, and hope.

As I sit here writing and reflecting, I hear the lyrics of Selah’s Hosanna: “Show me how to love like You have loved me. Break my heart with what breaks Yours, everything I am for Your Kingdom come…” I still remember very clearly the promise I made to Him that afternoon on that wide open field, as I crouched down with tears, shaking to see His glory. I remembered saying I would go, to chase after His dream, one day. And I know this work is my ministry right now, that He is simply preparing me for greater things. But it’s these difficult days that cause the calling and my heart grow mundane, overshadowed, and tired. I feel like I must fight with all my will to not be pulled underneath the current of heaviness and depression that inflicts so many of my clients. I feel like Harry fighting against the dementors… those evil creatures whose purpose it is to suck the happiness and hope out of everyone.

Relationships, friendships, have been another source of keeping me accountable lately. My friends probably don’t even know what importance they serve in my life. Laughing with them, reading their e.mails, their facebook posts, exchanging texts, chatting, making eye contact with them across a table… Even during the moments I am tempted to draw into myself, close the door, and sulk, I am grateful that my friends are one of His ways to reach out and minister to me.

And writing! I should be documenting today’s sessions’ notes currently, instead of blogging. But this writing, as I organize my thoughts and feelings and come to grips with all that I have been feeling lately, is some sort of wind blowing refreshment into my soul. What I really would like to do is go to my sacred space and sit and look into the horizon, but it’s been difficult to get there lately, so I’m finding my refuge, and release, in this little white space.

In the end, there are a couple things I realize, and am reminded of:

Today is already over, and like Anne Shirley says, “Tomorrow is a new day, with no mistakes in it yet.”

He always knows better than me, what I need. And He knows the best for me.

Please keep my hope steadfast, and my heart strong.

He is near.

And I will be okay.

 

Onto the notes.