ever since the earthquake/tsunami/nuclear explosion-catastrophe in sendai rocked the world last week, i have been reluctant to talk about it. after the first couple minutes watching cnn news coverage, i had to turn to a different channel or walk away because the images made me feel sick. i have been repressing the feelings of sadness and heartbreak and i don’t want to process them. it becomes too real, then. other people talk about all the stuff, and i just listen with parts of my mind completely closed off to feeling anything.
few people know, REALLY know, how i feel about this beautiful country and its beautiful people.
and i have been keeping my grief to a minimum. because that’s the only way i have been able to process it.
but tonight, i was watching the television in the gym while working out, and the channel was turned to cnn. anderson cooper. and images of wreckage. parents and friends grieving over dead bodies of children unearthed in the rubble. i saw these images while my earphones pelted out lyrics like “strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord” and “great is Your faithfulness…” and i just couldn’t make sense of it all. it was so ironic and paradoxical – images of brokenness intertwined simultaneously with promises of hope and repair.
all i wanted to do in this moment was cry. grieve. grieve over the lives that have been lost in japan. grieve over the destruction that has ravaged this beautiful country. grieve with the people grieving their lost loved ones on television.
i know God has a grand purpose and plan for all of this. i have prayed that the japanese will see God’s glory ultimately through all of this. but still, it breaks my heart.
and still, i am far from processing it, looking at it in the face and confronting it, head-on.
someday i know i must. just not yet.