wedded

my brother was married to his wife yesterday. they had already had a destination wedding in Panama in March, where they have lived for the past few years. but because my parents were unable to attend, as well as many other relatives and friends, Charles and Mel decided to have another ceremony + reception, this time with a ‘paebaek’ thrown in, in Los Angeles. my week was spent picking up vendor-y stuff, picking up relatives, cooking and helping my parents host their in-laws for a first time meet’n’greet of relatives at my parents’ house, preparing for the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner, performing bridesmaid duties, translating, facilitating the ‘paebaek’ ceremony, and providing emotional support to my parents as they came to terms with my brother’s marriage. it’s difficult letting go of 35-year-old dreams.

for the first time ever, i looked somewhat forward to returning to work on Monday – returning to my life, re-establishing a sense of self i was used to. i decided i do not enjoy wedding planning very much. i like dreaming about a wedding, and thinking about what my wedding would look like, if ever it happens someday, but the planning i could do without. i think of an outdoor wedding + reception, birches and sycamores thrusting their slender branches into the sky, a breeze softly blowing as sunlight glimmers down onto the grass, sounds of laughter mingling with soft strains of music, and delicious, comforting food that does not cost $150 per head.

of course, only if dreams come true.

the past week has been a struggle of another sort. thoughts and dreams and feelings and fantasies and doubts all vying for equal time in my mind, so much so that my brain is tired. i want to stop thinking and dreaming and feeling… and sinning. i want to live for the straight and narrow, for God’s glory, for His kingdom-righteousness, for His dream. i feel like i know what Paul is talking about when he describes the battle between flesh and spirit. I feel like that is what i have been experiencing this past week, 24/7. even in my dreams.

i know God is working over me. i know there will be a means for this end. i cling to His promises and His truths. it’s just that, when struggles of this nature wash over me, they become a trigger for re-experiencing my past life, past feelings, past vulnerabilities and insecurities… and i hate that. i wish i could just be DONE.

 

sigh.

 

“The Lord is my shepherd. I shall not be in want.”