i’ve been standing at a crossroads again.
i wait for answers to come, but they haven’t. it’s hard to trust in something that has not happened yet. though, that is precisely what He calls me to do – to have Faith in His goodness and His timing. i have been doing some soul-searching as of late, in regards to work. opportunities have presented themselves to me, and i have wondered what the best way forward is. i don’t think i should transition into a new capacity simply because i am burned out, although i am quite burned out. i want to do something i feel passionate about. i have yet so much to learn and to discover about the world around me and my place in it. and deeper than that, higher than that, is the promise i made to Him on the OneDay field years ago. i still want to chase after His dream. and my struggle has been how i can use the gifts and choices i make right now to honor that Dream in the future.
and then there’s feelings. feelings i don’t quite know what to do with. i wish i could store them somewhere. right now, they’re just a big messy blah in the center of my stomach, protruding into my mind, and my brain, and my heart. ironic that as i type these words, ingrid michelson is singing, “Everybody wants to love, everybody wants to be loved,” on my i.tunes. and He is drawing me back to Himself, in ways i would not have imagined. the hunger to see where else He is working continues to be a desire, but that gnawing hunger of before is no longer really there. i am slowly finding community again. and i’m grateful for it. but what i have right now never seems to be enough. and that is a struggle… for, like the Israelites of old, i continually look for other idols to worship. like the Samaritan woman at the well, i continually seek love in the wrong places, as if He is not enough. He is more than enough.
i think i’ve been feeling somewhat dysthymic lately. and i think it’s because another year is slowly dawning on me. it’s inevitable. i just wonder if i would feel differently, had this current part of my life turned out differently. at the same time, i cannot complain, because things could be so much worse. like pastor Tim of Reality L.A. said last sunday, His provision is rich even in our “worst” times.