it’s been months since i last blogged. the sun set on one year and rose on a new one. i always feel a bit anti-climactic about a new year beginning, because i am not sure what to anticipate. this year started out harmlessly enough…
and then this past weekend happened.
i came home from work one evening, after my roommate urgently called me, to find several of my possessions stolen: macbook pro, i.pad (gifted by my older brother), a 2nd generation i.pod, the digital camera i had purchased during my first trip to Japan, a Marc Jacobs watch gifted to me by my favorite aunt, some miscellaneous jewelry gifted by my mom. no sign of forced entry. ernie could not tell us what had happened. i’m still reeling from the thoughts and feelings.
and two nights later, my heart was broken again. i sat on my bed, speaking to a friend, trying so hard to talk but unable to, with tears streaming down. i was attempting to process the weight of everything that had occured in those past two days. i felt like Job, losing things very near and dear to my heart. i continue to be scared of what else the Lord may take from me. I know it is for His goodness and glory, and I know He believes in me and my ability to trust and hope in Him, but the fear is still there in the bottom of my heart.
i cried more at church today. my heart continues to be raw, and my spirit continues to be vulnerable. i want to heal and move on from the heartbreak and heartache, but i know it will take some time. as i was telling some dear friends today, i have been remembering very keenly a scene from The Sound of Music where Leisel asks Maria what to do when love is unreciprocated, and Maria responds, “Well, you cry a little, and then you wait for the sun to come out. It always does, you know.”
I am waiting for my sun to come out.
In years past, being the introspective person that I am, I have always made deep thoughtful resolutions for every new year. I decided this year to make only simple and practical ones, and hope that the things I can no longer control in my life or for my future, He will control them for me. So this year, I resolve to:
1. take guitar-practicing more seriously.
2. sleep at a reasonable time during the work-week.
3. improve my posture.
4. memorize what I can of the book of Psalms.
5. blog/journal more consistenly.
all weekend, with the break-in, people have been asking me, “Are you okay?” I have respnded honestly… I am NOT okay, but I will be. I am thankful for their well-intended questions. the other thing, the heartbreak, has been so much more difficult to process, coming in the aftermath of everything else. but I am so grateful for the handful of friends who have journeyed with me through my heartache – sometimes not knowing what to say, but just being quiet and allowing me to cry.
i am wondering when the lessons will come. in the meantime, i find comfort in His words, His promises, His worship, friends journeying with me, and hope. Hope is the only thing I have been able to hang onto, lately.
Some of you may wonder why I choose to express so many of my personal thoughts and feelings to the world through my entries here. I frankly don’t know why either. But I hope that you would feel encouraged all the same.
He is good, and His love endures forever.