i was able to get a way for a little bit to san francisco this weekend. i had been looking forward to the trip as an opportunity to get out of los angeles, to clear my head from all the recent craziness at work, at home, at church, and the turmoil reshaping itself and turning concentric circles inside of me. i had wanted to take a deep breath and come back home feeling refreshed and rejuvenated, and finding once again the joy and purpose of my life and current state of mind. 

of course, my plans never turn out the way i hope them to. not that the weekend in san francisco was a horrible one. 

quite the contraire.

i felt very at home in this eclectic, compact, progressive, diverse city. san francisco is one of those places i can imagine myself living in, settling down for a few years and falling in love with the different neighborhoods, the energy, the weather, the ambience. i enjoyed thoughtful and insightful conversations and comfortable silences with a former housemate, and playing with her puppy took a a teeny little bit of the edge off my missing ernie. but the day-and-a-half i was there was packed with places to go, sights to see, life-news to catch up on, food to eat… and now i find myself back home concerned and stressed about what is to come. 

i feel like Christ is talking to me, currently, when He told Martha all those years ago, that she worried about too many things. I wish i could be like Mary instead, sitting at His feet, having chosen the better, which would not be taken from me. 

it’s a natural back-and-forth, wrestling with God, finding struggle and pain in the very things that bring me joy, and vice versa. i look to the future and i don’t know what to expect, and that scares me. there was a time it used to excite me. but now… i am just unsure of the next bend in the road. 

i pray that God will give me the hope and strength to carry on (a la Rich Mullins)… for Love has come, and Love will not be put down or shut out. While i wait, still, for the love with a lower-case L, may I find rest and faith in Love ultimate. may that be where my respite comes from… that i will not feel the need to run away from or avoid this live that i am living, but that i will find rest and faith in the moment, and reclaim the sense of joy and peace that i know is waiting there… just on the other side. 

oh sweet respite.