experience

things happen, and we move on. but that doesn’t mean we feel any better. i am strongly reminded tonight of a period in my life that could be identified as, as Pastor Keith calls it, a “Cave of Adullum” – when God seemed so far, when grace did not seem feasible, when i felt deserted. and yet, when i finally came to peace with what was going to happen (or so I imagined), God revealed his glory in a powerful way.

He’s been teaching me that very lesson again… His reasons for silence, that His glory may shine ever brighter and be revealed in an awesome profound way, so much so that we can’t help but raise our hands in praise when we see his power and glory manifested.

that we will see at the end, what God has seen all along. 

but in order to see, sometimes we must sacrifice. He calls us to sacrifice much. and i think for me, that is the part that hurts the most. it’s a physical pain, to let go of things i have held onto so dearly. of course, no sacrifice compares to that which He sacrificed for me, but still again, knowing such a thing in my head doesn’t make it any easier to accept in my heart. 

obedience is costly. He knows that. and He asks it of us. 

it’s hard for me to think through these things, acknowledge them, and accept them sometimes. i’m thankful for a community that can help me understand, that struggles together to understand the greatness and often incomprehensible character of God. 

i feel sad tonight. loss is sad. angering. heartbreaking. 

gain is to come. it’s 15 chess steps ahead. but right now, at this very moment, i feel stuck. but i accept it, because He is in control. I have no idea why, but I know He is.