life passes by at an alarming speed. and often i don’t understand clearly where i am going or what the purpose of all of this is, until it’s in hindsight. i look in my rearview mirror, and there it all is – the way it has been planned out by a sovereign God who is fifteen chess movements ahead. the timing is always perfect when He is involved. the encounters, divine.
i’m at that place again, now, where much change is on the horizon, and although i anticipate it, i am not fully looking forward to it as of yet. though some of it promises good things to come, much of it is uncertainty, haziness, fogginess, a teeny-tiny white light at the center of a very long, very narrow, very dark tunnel. i know the light is slowly and gradually approaching at the opposite end, but there is quite some distance to travel first before i get there.
i just imagine that when i graduate from a doctoral program in five years (hopefully), i’ll be another decade older. i can’t even wrap my head around that. and i wonder, at that age, at that decade, what will my life be worth? what will i have to show for all this time that i have spent working, going to school, building relationships, serving at church… living life? I hope He is glorified at the end of it all. but then, for me, will i be fully satisfied? will i be fully satisfied in Him as He is fully glorified in me?
i know He holds the future. I know He’s already won. i know He’s set me on this earth for a specific purpose. i know what that purpose is. my head knows all these things – logically, rationally – but my heart wonders about Me. i know i can’t compare myself to others. i know we are all broken. we all have our drama, our baggage, our emotional pitfalls, our selfishness and moodiness, and we are continually, daily, being crucified with Christ. i know there’s this process of sanctification where i fall, over and over again, but i look forward with the hope i have, that i am being renewed little by little, day by day.
but in the daily grind, i lose perspective of all of this, and i feel just… sad. and confused. and i wonder, if i feel this way daily, how am i supposed to feel 5 years from now?
my only comfort is in the realization that i am not alone. as clichè as that may sound, it’s in the walking-together on this journey where the strength and comfort prevail, even as much of my sin lies in my insecurities of those relationships i have with my wonderful community and friends. perhaps i will be alone at 40. perhaps not. i dearly hope not.
i hope the fogginess is a little bit clearer by then, the light of the tunnel a little nearer. for now, i choose to live day by day, season by season, one step at a time.
“Because i know He holds the future, and life is worth the living, just because He lives.” – hymn.