loved

in the recent wake of several passing from this world to the next… my sister-in-law’s brother [i walked into Charles-and-Mel’s L.A. ceremony with him], a childhood friend’s older sister, a friend’s grandmother, other friends-and-family of friends, i’ve been reflecting on death… and first love.

I was reading my wordpress entries from July 2009, chronicling those last final moments of precious time spent with an aunt, picturing her face in my mind and my tears flowing down – so vivid as if it was yesterday… and again realizing how we must all pass someday. it’s such a bittersweet feeling when i think about passing on, even though i know i’m going somewhere infinitely more beautiful for eternity, that i hold this hope of Eternity in my heart… but to experience this world with all of its pain and brokenness and beauty and love on my journey to that Place that i haven’t experienced yet but hunger for.

Love.

Do you believe in love at first sight? that something powerful can take place between you and another, in one instantaneous moment? i struggle between reality and fantasy, between being a realist and a pessimist at the same time that i am also a hopeless romantic, feeling so deeply from the very beginning when a connection is made and hungering for that connection to continue. it’s the way i’ve been designed, and it comes with its share of challenges and struggles. living inside my head, talking and holding conversations in my mind, going deeper and deeper into that place until i confuse what’s real with what’s made up, and struggling to rise back to the surface so that i can take a deep breath of fresh air and tell myself to Stop. and then diving back into my head again. all the while hungering for the memories of that momentary interaction, coupled with cries to Him to take it away and make it easier.

i’m grateful for sustaining Grace. if anything, these struggles remind me how much of a sinner i am, and how much more in need of Grace i am.

love at first sight
first love
lover of my soul

it’s all i want and long for and yearn for.
death…and love…and the in-between.

Jeremiah 31.3.

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risk

risk. trust. taking a risk in trusting. trusting Him.

this summer has definitely pulled me into places where I’ve had to trust Him. where I’ve been stretched. where I’ve worried and been anxious, and done things that are way out of my comfort zone. reached out and met people and had intimate connections with, and later wonder what all that was about. registered for fall courses and wondered how I’m going to manage it all. going forward with church and community, pushing myself all in, even when that means I’m over-stimulated and just want to run away.
and my mind constantly wonders. I’m constantly wondering about the past, wondering about choices I’d made and how the outcomes could be different with different choices… very Sliding Doors-esque… and then needing to reprimand myself, ask the Lord for mercies, and re-focus my mind on something other than the mere temptation of thoughts, dreams, fantasies, fleshly desires.
the need for connection is a drug that I get high off of; whereas others feel the rush from drugs, speed, gambling, illegal activities, etc., my rush comes from genuine intimacy with others, and what takes place in that sacred space between myself and another, where smiles are exchanged and laughter dances across from me to him and i realize we both just get it. and then I wonder, will I ever experience that connection again? coming off of it, i feel depressed and melancholy and sad, and I can’t stop thinking about what happened and didn’t happen, all at the same time.

this summer, He’s been teaching me to take risks. so i’ve taken small ones. and He’s responded with His perfect timing. I hate waiting, but I’m realizing it’s something I must do. Instead of trying to control outcomes with my own choices that seem okay and successful in the beginning but then flounder and dry out after awhile, things seem to fall perfectly into place, like dominoes, when His timing is involved.

and i feel like the present is crackling more and more with the vibrant possibility of something. Something that will happen soon. Not quite sure yet what that something is, but the possibility is there. I’ve realized that our God is a BIG God, and when I focus too much on my wants and my needs, my anxieties and worries, my questions and doubts, that I am essentially reducing God down to this little person who is only in it for ME. But keeping a large and diffuse heart, I sense… feel … the possibility in the air.
The energy is potent. The possibility crackles and lures. It makes me confident and hopeful, if only for a little while. But I want to say there’s something different this time around. I need to say that, so that I can make myself believe it. It’s real. the more I can take those risks in trusting Him, the more He will respond.

He knows and understands.

He’s got the whole world in HIs hands.