in the recent wake of several passing from this world to the next… my sister-in-law’s brother [i walked into Charles-and-Mel’s L.A. ceremony with him], a childhood friend’s older sister, a friend’s grandmother, other friends-and-family of friends, i’ve been reflecting on death… and first love.
I was reading my wordpress entries from July 2009, chronicling those last final moments of precious time spent with an aunt, picturing her face in my mind and my tears flowing down – so vivid as if it was yesterday… and again realizing how we must all pass someday. it’s such a bittersweet feeling when i think about passing on, even though i know i’m going somewhere infinitely more beautiful for eternity, that i hold this hope of Eternity in my heart… but to experience this world with all of its pain and brokenness and beauty and love on my journey to that Place that i haven’t experienced yet but hunger for.
Do you believe in love at first sight? that something powerful can take place between you and another, in one instantaneous moment? i struggle between reality and fantasy, between being a realist and a pessimist at the same time that i am also a hopeless romantic, feeling so deeply from the very beginning when a connection is made and hungering for that connection to continue. it’s the way i’ve been designed, and it comes with its share of challenges and struggles. living inside my head, talking and holding conversations in my mind, going deeper and deeper into that place until i confuse what’s real with what’s made up, and struggling to rise back to the surface so that i can take a deep breath of fresh air and tell myself to Stop. and then diving back into my head again. all the while hungering for the memories of that momentary interaction, coupled with cries to Him to take it away and make it easier.
i’m grateful for sustaining Grace. if anything, these struggles remind me how much of a sinner i am, and how much more in need of Grace i am.
love at first sight
lover of my soul
it’s all i want and long for and yearn for.
death…and love…and the in-between.