it’s coming to the end of this fasting period, as 2016 has opened its doors and consumed me. i’m taking my first steps into the water, and am already a little overwhelmed by what the spring holds, school-wise, but i’m determined to wade in with all the supports and skills i already know i possess, and with those who are walking with me.
i finally came to a point in this period of fasting where my heart, body, and brain calmed down. where i was able to sit through the hunger pangs without so much than a forethought, where i was able to say, “i don’t need all of this — i don’t need facebook or instagram or netflix, or carbs or meat, or sufficiency from the world.” during the past week, i had struggled a lot with unanswerable questions and fears and anxieties, that threatened to shatter and break all that i had built my foundation, my life, my identity upon. “is God real? does He even exist? He’s not even a person. I can’t see Him. what if I am alone in this world? what’s the use of life and a future? i want to go to heaven when i die. what if there is no heaven? i can’t. i’m scared to even think like this. but what if God is not real? what if i have been fooling myself, my entire life?” it was a running, endless commentary in my mind, with the usual distractions of noise and social media absent and unable to complete their task of occupying my mind with senseless activity. i began to pray, with my only prayer being that of the tax collector in Jesus’s parable[is that the one?], where he cries out, “Lord, help me in my unbelief! I’m not even worthy to pray to you.” and God, a Voice, saying to me the words he spoke of Mary all those years ago: “She has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken from her.” At the end, all I could be convicted of was, I may never know the answers to all these questions, but I still need to believe. I may never understand God or the complexities of this universe, but I still need to trust and keep going.
So here I am, virtually at the end of this fast – 8 days after i began, and i’m almost sad it’s over, because it feels anti-climactic to just let it go, and i want to create some accountability, some sustainability, out of it. but i don’t know how. i don’t know how to modify my pre-fast living habits so that i can still keep some sort of mindset active and strong. too soon, i could jump back into fb, instagram, catching up on all my Hulu and Netflix obsessions, filling myself with bread and carbs and meat and sweets, and all of these reflections and lessons soon forgotten. i shudder. help me keep some semblance of the past 8 days please.
i can’t otherwise.