reunion

this journey is indeed a strange one.

sights, sounds, sensory input that, though i may have experienced these things in another way-at another time-during another part of the journey, do such a wonderful job of flooring me and dizzying me over and over again.  experiences that make me want to simultaneously recoil while also getting excited at the prospect that, maybe, just maybe this time it’ll be different.

i feel myself screaming at myself to withdraw into a closed-up posture, while my mind tells me to sit in that awkward moment of discomfort and just soak it in, because i know it’s only my brain playing tricks on me and i’m no longer the person i once was, i will no longer react to that stimuli the way i used to. gripping onto a shaky foundation with bare-faced, white-colored knuckles, wanting so much to reach the end of all this so i can look back and ask God, “So this was it? This is why you lead me through those valleys?” 

it’s not the end. i can’t discern the end. i can’t see what’s gonna happen next. that’s probably why everything feels so unsettling and confusing in the current season. and, again, i’ve been here before. that overpowering anxiety of feeling like i’m losing my grip on something, though really i never had it in the first place. learning to have peace. be okay. Be okay, this quiet voice whispers to me. Is that you, God?

can i please just sit in peace with myself, claiming who i am and who i was created to be, and being okay with all of that? as brené brown says, that i can go to bed at the end of each day knowing that i am worthy simply because of who i am and not because of what i have failed or accomplished that day?

that no matter what, it will all be okay in the end, and will be okay in the end.

because i am loved. because i may not know, but He knows. that this journey, though it may be a strange journey with moments of confusion and dizziness and restlessness, will ultimately end at the exact place where i am supposed to be, in a better version of myself.

 

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shift

i’ve been reflecting a lot lately. possibly because i recently returned from being overseas, or perhaps because i am going through a period of transition… another academic year over, another personal year soon drawing to a close.

there’s also the reality of summer, with its cool nights and fading twilights – being in that witching hour, in that magical period between dusk and nightfall, as the first stars emerge from their hiding places and begin to twinkle in the sky – that just draws it out of me. it’s called NOSTALGIA.

i constantly struggle with living in my mind, with looking back wistfully on what was, or wasn’t, while looking ahead in daydreams that have not been realized yet. i am constantly wrestling with these thoughts and feelings and hopes and musings (someone once called it, ‘scope for the imagination’) that pull me into shifting periods of lightness and darkness, until i catch myself and dazedly ask that they stop.

oh heart, wilt thou not quiet down?

it’s been one of the most amazing and yet challenging years in my recent memory. through it all, i have learned, and am still learning…

…to find joy in the process.

…to live each day with purpose.

…to do my work well.

…to love well.

…to wrestle and rest at the same time.

…that i am part of many communities.

…that He may never remove this cup from me…

…and that’s okay.

as a new year creeps up, i hope to receive it with grace. with hands open, palms up. with knowing that, as always, things may never unfold quite as i hope or dream them to, but that doesn’t mean the dreams will fade. that He always knows, better than i do, what i need.

it’s always a little scary. apprehensive. but i’m going to hold on tight to this journey, because, if nothing else, He will be faithful to the end.

 

heartstrings.

heartstrings being tugged, both directions.

sometimes the horrors of this work that i do is unimaginable. and i’ve realized that i keep much of it to myself because (a.) I want to protect others’ emotions, and (b.) nobody really understands. for example, how could anyone respond to the following?  – –

i went to visit a family yesterday afternoon at the tail-end of my day at CII. the referral was for a 2 year old who presented with extreme disruptive and ADHD-like behaviors, who currently lived with a relative. this relative was at his wit’s end, trying to make meaning of why this child was so hyperactive and disruptive.

it turns out that when this little blond, blue-eyed boy was 8 months old and living with his parents, he witnessed his dad pull the trigger on his mom. while he was being held by his mom, he watched her getting shot in the head, all of the insides of her brain spilling onto him. i can’t even imagine what his reaction must have been: did he freeze? did he cry?

and though he is in a safe place now, he continues to carry the memory of that incident, and possibly several memories of other incidents, around in his little body. no wonder he can’t sit still, doesn’t know how to use his words, screams and flaps his hands when in distress, throws toys all over the floor, and can’t sleep.

my heart cries out, “God, why?” 

i keep the information in my head, intellectualizing, so that i can explain to the relative how trauma affects very young children. meanwhile, i don’t quite know how to process and what to do with all of this stuff. i think, in a way, walls are necessary as a protective factor. but the sad part is, that many of us are all alone and isolated from sharing stories like this one to our closest friends and family, to our communities.

it’s sobering, but it’s a confirmation. confirmation that this work is necessary and someone  has to be there to walk with these broken families.

but why me?

this morning, while at LLU hospital, I made my routine visit to see one of my patients, a teenage girl with a relapse of osteosarcoma that has since metastasized, who actually placed herself in foster care because she did not feel safe living with her parents. this young girl had decided a few months ago that she would no longer pursue another round of chemotherapy, because previously the cancer had returned more aggressively after some rounds of chemo.

today, she told me and her attending physician that she had decided to give chemo another chance. my heart fluttered. i told her how proud i was of her decision, and she blossomed into a shy and happy smile. i asked her what had changed her mind. she told me that God had told her that morning that He would protect her, watch over her, keep her safe. my heart swelled.

again, confirmation.

this work is exhausting and draining. but these are the moments, good and bad, when i realize this is the work i have been called to. i’m slowly processing the events and experiences of this past week. it hasn’t been easy, but my heart is stirred by something deeper and bigger than myself, telling me it shall all be okay… someday.

in the meantime, those heartstrings… they will continue to be pulled.

good

“as 2014 draws to set on the horizon, i wonder what 2015 holds. i believe [i hope] myself to be slightly more comfortable in my skin, ensconced in the beauty of who I am within the beauty of Who is within me, growing into genuine-ness with my relationships and those who surround me, and unafraid of what the future holds.

that last one, i’m not so sure about. i am desperately afraid of the future. i always have been. but i have also been open to living each day one day at a time, and withholding myself from leaping too far ahead. it’s tough, especially when my brain’s natural tendency is to anxiously rush ahead into territory that it has no place in being there. take each day at face value. take each person at face value. bless others. be blessed. there’s a Plan. i’m a small part of it.”

words i had written on the eve of 2015, as i looked back on 2014 and wondered what was ahead. i’m sitting in that very moment again, as the year is passing onto a new one. am i older and wiser? in many ways, i feel like i’ve regressed – like i’m much more of a child, as i realize there is so much more growing and developing still to do. 

it’s been a year of challenges and triumphs, from my dad’s Hep-C-free status to crawling through another year of this Psy.D program. the new year rings in very soon, and another fast begins in less than one week. hopes and dreams have been realized, and others still wait on the horizon, with little resolution. this year, i have re-learned and been reminded of what it means to be “mindful” and “intentional”, but i often forget to integrate these patterns of living into my daily emotions and thoughts. as always, there is so much more on the horizon and i’m scared to even lift my head and look, lest i be disappointed. 

yet, through it all, through my mind, this endless commentary runs: He is good, He is good, He is good, He is good. He is faithful. He is good. He is good. He is good. 

He is good. though nothing else may come to fruition, He is good. He has always been good, and will continue to be good. He does not change like shifting shadows. He is not whimsical, as I am. He is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. And He holds good in store for me, whatever that may look like. 

With 2016 on the horizon, i have one wish – one resolution: to be a better friend. i know i’m not perfect. and i know my friends are far from perfect, as well. but somehow, He has placed upon my heart this desire, to live and look just a little bit more outside of myself. to reach out when necessary, and even when unnecessary. to be open and bright, not because i have to, but because i want to. and to take the risk [shudder] of sitting in those somewhat awkward and uncomfortable spaces, because that means i need more of Him. and when i’m especially lonely, to remember that He is by my side. 

2015 is very much a blur and already a distant memory. the past.

i want to look ahead, even when i fear the future. not to conquer the fear, or the future, but to remember that in all things, He will be good. love has come to cast out fear. i want to be a better friend, whatever that means. i want to grab a hold of joy and hang on for dear life. this is always the time of year when it seems like anything can happen. possibilities are endless and limitless. exciting. i want to be in the middle of that. and be consumed by His goodness. 

center

lately, I’ve lost sight of it. i’ve been riding on a bumpy road, mostly smooth pavement, but every so often a huge pothole that knocks the wind out of me for a brief moment of time, until i’m able to digest the pain and get back on my feet. the potholes have been in context of interpersonal relationships, and i’ve been questioning the priority of certain relationships in my own life. do they see me as i see them? it’s difficult because i am definitely a people person, but i’m also pretty sensitive. i feel a lot. i analyze, but i relate via feelings and emotions. i enjoy connection and intimacy. i’m introverted, but i love spending time with people, laughing with them, talking to them, getting to know them, connecting with them. doesn’t that sound lovely?

there’s a difficult part in there, though. in growing deeper with another, pain must be an element. conflict happens. and if the conflict can be processed safely and correctly, then the deepening happens. and that’s so hard. during these moments, i’m reminded that i don’t want to grow complacent. i want to be challenged. i want to grow and learn. step out and take risks. but the very risks that challenge me are the ones that cause pain. and often, nobody on the outside sees it, not even my closest friends or my family.

this weekend was a rough one. rough because it’s the first 4th in two years that i have spent locally. rough because i felt so alone. rough because of posts on social media that reminded me i was alone. there was one bright and beautiful spot in the midst of it: my dad watched fireworks outside for the first time in almost 20 years. but over that bright and beautiful spot loomed a shadow of darkness and doubt that spread through my mind and heart like a virus.

a particular community of people i’d once thought some of my closest friends no longer seem safe to me. at least, will not feel safe for awhile. and it hurts. putting up walls is hard. taking a step back feels counter-intuitive to what growing closer is all about. we hunger for relationship because we were created by a God who loves being in relationship to us. so much so that he sacrificed His only son for that very purpose. i just think, this is not the way it’s supposed to be.

but i am convinced that i’m going through a period of restoration, redemption, and renewal. and God is telling me that i need to experience this pain for a little while, in order to make the redemption that much sweeter. so that he’ll get the glory and the honor. He must become greater, I must become less.

and another thing? this evening, during a worship service, He spoke to me distinctly. He said, “You are strong enough to carry this burden.” I almost cried. He has faith in me. I will carry it then. Carry it and keep a quiet heart. He Knows and He Understands.

redemption. it’s coming.

wired

it’s been a sleepless night, as my brain waxed and waned into various levels of semi-consciousness. now it’s 6:00 a.m. and, knowing i must wake up to face this day at 9:00 a.m., i wonder how i shall survive on 3 hours of sleep. the year is almost over… 2 weeks left to go, and my heart is quite overwhelmed with all the change and transition that took place within. in the realm of work- Project Stable Home to Select Home Visitation, clinician to coordinator to supervisor back to clinician; in the realm of community- settling into myself at Tapestry L.A. and wrestling with growing pains, both within myself and with this new merged identity of two becoming one; in the realm of friendship- asking God to “expand my circle” and learning ways of being with people very unlike myself but finding joy in the common space that was developed; in the realm of school, …beginning; in the realm of home, finding a new family member in the presence of angel while giving up my ball of fur and pink tongue to my parents; seeing that God is constantly working over me and acknowledging the plans that come full circle, but that this crazy journey is nowhere near ending. if anything, ’tis just the beginning.

as 2014 draws to set on the horizon, i wonder what 2015 holds. i believe [i hope] myself to be slightly more comfortable in my skin, ensconced in the beauty of who I am within the beauty of Who is within me, growing into genuine-ness with my relationships and those who surround me, and unafraid of what the future holds.

that last one, i’m not so sure about. i am desperately afraid of the future. i always have been. but i have also been open to living each day one day at a time, and withholding myself from leaping too far ahead. it’s tough, especially when my brain’s natural tendency is to anxiously rush ahead into territory that it has no place in being there. take each day at face value. take each person at face value. bless others. be blessed. there’s a Plan. i’m a small part of it.

looking back in hindsight, it’s amazing how God always provides. How faithful He is. and with that reminder, i’m also reminded to rest in His promises. Have faith. Hold out faith. and not just for myself, but for those around me. with a couple friends the other night, i thought about my love languages in order of how i best communicate: acts of service, words of affirmation, material gifts, time spent, touch. it makes sense. maybe 2015 will be a year to exercise those gifts more. scary and exciting at the same time.

taste and see that He is truly good.
my brain is still wired. but it’s been a good night, just the same.

loved

in the recent wake of several passing from this world to the next… my sister-in-law’s brother [i walked into Charles-and-Mel’s L.A. ceremony with him], a childhood friend’s older sister, a friend’s grandmother, other friends-and-family of friends, i’ve been reflecting on death… and first love.

I was reading my wordpress entries from July 2009, chronicling those last final moments of precious time spent with an aunt, picturing her face in my mind and my tears flowing down – so vivid as if it was yesterday… and again realizing how we must all pass someday. it’s such a bittersweet feeling when i think about passing on, even though i know i’m going somewhere infinitely more beautiful for eternity, that i hold this hope of Eternity in my heart… but to experience this world with all of its pain and brokenness and beauty and love on my journey to that Place that i haven’t experienced yet but hunger for.

Love.

Do you believe in love at first sight? that something powerful can take place between you and another, in one instantaneous moment? i struggle between reality and fantasy, between being a realist and a pessimist at the same time that i am also a hopeless romantic, feeling so deeply from the very beginning when a connection is made and hungering for that connection to continue. it’s the way i’ve been designed, and it comes with its share of challenges and struggles. living inside my head, talking and holding conversations in my mind, going deeper and deeper into that place until i confuse what’s real with what’s made up, and struggling to rise back to the surface so that i can take a deep breath of fresh air and tell myself to Stop. and then diving back into my head again. all the while hungering for the memories of that momentary interaction, coupled with cries to Him to take it away and make it easier.

i’m grateful for sustaining Grace. if anything, these struggles remind me how much of a sinner i am, and how much more in need of Grace i am.

love at first sight
first love
lover of my soul

it’s all i want and long for and yearn for.
death…and love…and the in-between.

Jeremiah 31.3.